Dare to Ask: Straight rules for gay bars

By PHILLIP MILANO, The Times-Union

Question

Is it rude to go to a gay bar if you are not gay?

Molli, Sioux City, Iowa

Replies

I have no problem with women coming to women's bars (duh). My problem is when they come with men, dance with men and smooch with men in lesbian bars. It would be nice if there was one little piece of the world where who I am and what I do is the norm.

Marianne, 54, lesbian, Portland, Ore.

I've gone on a number of occasions with an openly gay friend. We like to dance. I celebrated my 30th birthday with good-looking men who didn't want to sleep with me, but who were very glad to spin me around the dance floor. As long as you tip waitstaff well and aren't judgmental, there shouldn't be a problem.

Cari, Galveston, Texas

It is absolutely OK for straights to go to gay bars as long as they aren't rude or hateful. Keep in mind you may be hit on by someone of your gender. After all, it is a gay bar. If you respectfully tell someone you are straight, they will almost always back off and go flirt with someone they may actually be able to pick up.

Kaye, 26, lesbian, Hammond, La.

Expert says

Some words from the wise Meryl Cohn, who pens the longtime-syndicated "Ms. Behavior" gay etiquette column and is author of Do What I Say: Ms. Behavior's Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette.

First, it's fine to go. "Sometimes straight women want to go to a gay male bar or a lesbian bar, just so they can dance or hang with their friends without being hit on."

But don't gawk or harass. "Years ago, at this [lesbian] bar a friend owned, they used to have men who'd come and want to get in, just to look at lesbians. I'd like to think things are different than they used to be."

And don't fake it. "You don't have to pretend to be gay to fit in, or pretend to be interested in someone so that you'll 'pass' for gay. If you want to blend in [and are a straight male], you don't have to make out with a man to do so. In general, the etiquette is the same as it is anywhere: Don't do something to make someone uncomfortable."

News flash! People may not think you're straight. "Don't be offended if somebody assumes you are gay if you're in a gay bar . . . in other words, don't hang out in a gay bar and then punch someone in the face if they ask you to dance."

Realize not all gay bars are alike. "It's true the music has traditionally been better in gay bars, and the fashion and grooming for many men is definitely better in gay bars. But some have beautiful decor, and some are just bar bars like an old man's bar . . . some even are for big, hairy men who are called bears, some are for lipstick lesbians, some are for sport lesbians . . .

"My brother is gay, and I asked him where he met his partner, and he said in a gay sports bar. I bet not a lot of people even realize there are sports bars for gays. I said [jokingly], 'Well, were they watching ice skating?' He said, 'Nope. Football.' "

Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers. Send general column comments to phillip. milano@jacksonville.com. You can also hear his podcasts or watch his TV spots.