Dare to Ask: Gay men and lesbians: No love lost?

By PHILLIP MILANO, The Times-Union

Question

Why do some queens hate lesbians? You would think we would support each other.

Imari, 47, lesbian, Austin, Texas

Replies

Because most queens care about one thing: themselves. They don't like straight people, they don't like bisexuals and they certainly don't like lesbians. . . . They are a main reason the gay community has a hard time organizing.

Alaina, 28, lesbian, Cincinnati

Some gay men (I assume by "queen" you mean "gay men") are uncomfortable with lesbians for the same reasons men in general are uncomfortable with women. And in addition to general cultural differences, gay men have no sexual motivation for interacting (civilly) with women. Thus, sometimes the lack of understanding or tolerance between them.

David, Los Angeles

Sadly, I think a lack of understanding causes some queens or lesbians to dislike or suspect each other. The Queer/LGBT community does not hold a monopoly on tolerance, and some members are as bad as the homophobic/heterosexist people they complain about.

Kaye, 26, lesbian, Hammond, La.

Gay males, or "queens" as you so eloquently put it, do not have an irrational hate of lesbians. Many people asked that question after seeing the popular NBC show Will and Grace, when Jack had an irrational dislike toward lesbians. This is not realistic behavior when referring to the gay community. Usually we stick together.

Kevin, 19, gay, Downey, Calif.

Expert says

Well duh, gays and lesbians don't get along. Who doesn't know at least one gay guy who's gone literally years - maybe even their whole lives - without asking a lesbian out? Or a lesbian who, let's not sugarcoat it, won't give a gay dude the time of day on eHarmony.com (and you'd think they would, since the site doesn't allow same-sex matchmaking - but we're way off subject here).

Sure, some gays and lesbians aren't pals, said Kathy Belge, Dipstick half of the lesbian writing duo Lipstick & Dipstick, who pen a gay advice column.

"It's rooted in sexism, classism and some homophobia - not wanting to see the flaming queen, or not accepting the butch lesbian. Personally I think that's bull."

Another issue that might cause some lesbians some ill will has to do with the AIDS crisis, she said.

"Lesbians were the main caregivers of gay men during the '80s and '90s, and some don't think they've seen gay men coming out for lesbian causes the way lesbians rallied around gay men."

Overall, though, Belge doesn't buy into the broad stereotype of gay/lesbian friction.

"I have a lot of close, great gay male friends . . . we come together over gay marriage, gay youth causes and more.

"The bottom line is, we have more in common than not . . . Sure, a gay man can be bitchy, and so can some lesbians. Just because they are that way with a particular person doesn't mean they don't like lesbians."

Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers. Send general column comments to phillip.milano@jacksonville.com. You can also hear his podcasts or watch his TV spots.